Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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