I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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