All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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