How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
