WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
