we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
