if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
