She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
