Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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