Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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