Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
