why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
