I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
