I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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