I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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