you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i love accidental penises.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
