do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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