he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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