If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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