she woke up with a sticky ear
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
