He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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