My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
