If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
