my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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