You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
