My brain says no but my pants say off.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
