Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
