I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
17 year olds will be the death of me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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