u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
