Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
