Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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