you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
