you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
