I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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