i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
