We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
you never un-have a 4some
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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