Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
