my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
