why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
