I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
