I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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