if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
