I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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