Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
