just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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