Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
