So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
