so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
