Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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