I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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