ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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