Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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