if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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